Sleep Deprivation (Excuses)
by cries havoc
Summary: Princess Anna of Arendelle keeps a journal (post-movie). She uses said journal to sort out her changing feelings for her sister, Elsa the Ice Queen, but spends a good deal more time making up excuses than facing reality. Side-fic for Cat & Queen (might not make much sense without it, sorry). Yes this is Elsanna, Icest, Arencest, etc.
1. Entry 1

_As promised, here is the Cat & Queen side fic. I doubt it would make sense without reading the main fic, but you're welcome to try. I guess. This is a compilation of Princess Anna of Arendelle's journal entries post-movie as the struggles to comprehend her changing feelings for her big sister, Elsa the Ice Queen. Every few chapters of Cat & Queen will be covered/explored here from Anna's perspective. Enjoy!_

_Elsanna/Icest/Arencest WARNING: This_ _**will **deal head-on with issues of incest. If that is not your reading pleasure, please hit the back button and have a nice day._

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**Sleep Deprivation (Excuses)**

Chapter 1

It started that first night back in the castle with Elsa. I mean, I guess it _really_ started with Olaf and the whole reveal of Elsa's powers and me trekking up North Mountain with Kristoff. When I saw Elsa in her ice castle, with her braid unpinned and her bangs frozen in place and that _dress_… part of my brain malfunctioned. Or something. I mean, I think it all comes back to sleep deprivation. You see, Kristoff and Sven and I travelled all night and I _tried_ to sleep in the sled, but it was kind of a bumpy ride and Kristoff actually does smell and I just couldn't sleep much.

Anyway, meeting Olaf, and realizing he was _our snowman_ and then seeing her up on the mountain, it changed something in me. I don't just mean about Elsa accidentally shooting ice into my heart, because honestly, my heart had slowly been freezing for years while Elsa was locked away. I didn't realize it until after, of course, but now I think that's the truth. I know Papa and Mama meant well, but separating Elsa and me was wrong. I know I got hurt really badly, I remember now, but it was an _accident_. We were _kids_. Elsa didn't mean to hurt me and I think it would have been way better to help Elsa learn to control her powers and…. I guess I could have used some boundaries. I was always the one getting Elsa into trouble. I was five years old and Elsa could never say no to me and….

It was my own fault, if anyone's. And the coronation fiasco was totally my fault. I was so stupid, and naïve, to think Hans was my _true love_ when we'd just met, but I didn't know any better. If I'd had some guidance, an ally, a friend, _my sister_ during those years… especially after Mama and Papa died, maybe I wouldn't have messed everything up.

I'm avoiding it. I'm avoiding writing it down in my own fucking journal. I'm so hopeless. Seeing Elsa at the coronation was hard, but it was also amazing because I'd missed her so much and I was so excited about Hans and I was avoiding my anger and my sadness about everything that happened before. Elsa couldn't come to the funeral because of her powers. I get that _now_, but at the time it nearly destroyed me. That's when I started to give up on her, started to be so selfish, started to freeze inside. We still haven't talked about it, but we will. Sometimes they almost come up in conversation and Elsa and I just look away from each other and start talking about anything else.

I'm still doing it. Shit. Okay, here goes Journal: when I saw Elsa in her ice dress for the first time I was attracted to her. She looked _so beautiful _and it was really confusing and – in my defense there were other things going on at the time – I just kind of ignored it because, yeah, Arendelle was frozen and stuff. When we got back, after I stopped Hans (writing his name is really hard now and my hand is shaking) from hurting Elsa, and I finally got to hug my sister, I felt it again. I felt this _heat_ in my belly and I thought it was just exhaustion and the trauma of almost freezing to death and everything else. Not least of all, you know, Kristoff coming back to save me. He's great, but he's not Elsa.

I don't regret kissing him, but I should probably talk to him. I don't know if it's going to keep working between us. I… pictured kissing Elsa the other day when he was kissing me and even if she wasn't _my sister and the queen_ that would still be fucked up.

I'm getting off topic again. I'll write about Kristoff later. Right now, I really need to get this out. That first night back in the palace, Elsa hugged me goodnight and my face ended up in the nook between her neck and shoulder and _I really wanted to kiss her right there_. It took so much effort not to, and I think I probably could have played it off as sisterly affection, except totally not because I can barely pull off walking, but yeah, I really wanted to. I thought 'oh, I could just' and then it was like my heart _finally_ started beating again and what I felt before came crashing back and _thank the gods_ that Elsa didn't notice (I guess she was too tired or whatever, because she's normally really perceptive) because I still barely have the words to explain it. And that was like three months ago.

I couldn't sleep that night. Or the night after. I can barely sleep for a few hours at a time now (yeah, for three months now!) because I have these _dreams_ and I miss Elsa, even if I've just seen her. Part of me wants to ask her to move back into my room (it was our room when we were young) or to stay in her room one night, to see if it would help. Maybe it would be worse. I just know that if I don't get some good sleep soon I'm never going to be able to stop this. I think if I could just _sleep_ I can sort all of this out and stop thinking of Elsa so… inappropriately.

And then there's Icicle. Ugh, I want to strangle that fucking cat some days. I think he knows how I feel about Elsa. Cats shouldn't be so smart and so evil. Just yesterday he -

Fuck, Elsa's looking for me again. I'll tell you more about _Prince Evil Cat_ later Journal!


	2. Entry 2

_Anna rambles are the best rambles. What else need be said?_

_Elsanna/Icest/Arencest WARNING: This__**will **deal head-on with issues of incest. If that is not your reading pleasure, please hit the back button and have a nice day._

_**Entry 2**_

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I spent a good ten minutes staring at Elsa's door that first morning. Logically, I knew Elsa would answer and that the door probably wasn't even locked, but _gods_ standing in front of her door again after everything was so hard. Like I told you before Journal, I barely slept, so waking up early was no big deal, but the prospect of actually going into Elsa's room was terrifying. I wish I could say my fear just had to do with the separation, but while I was standing there (I'm really glad no servants came by because I probably looked stupid just standing there staring at the door) I started thinking about how Elsa's room was one of the only parts of the castle I'd never seen and something about that felt suddenly really intimate and then I started thinking, like reflecting, that thinking about Elsa and just the word "intimate" in the same thought seemed risqué and _then_ I started blushing (_really_ glad no one saw me) and I felt that heat in my belly again and it was so early and I was so tired and I made myself knock on the door because if I kept standing there thinking about being in intimate situations with Elsa I was going to die of embarrassment and shame.

Wow. That was a really long sentence. Sorry Journal. I'll try not to ramble, I promise.

So I knocked on the door and it wasn't locked and Elsa was still in bed and her hair was loose and, well, that didn't help. Seeing her in just a nightgown and with her hair unbraided and _why did this have to happen to me_? Why me? Seriously! Couldn't somebody else in Arendelle have totally unfair and impossible feelings for her sister? Or his sister, or his brother – or her brother, whatever. Why _me_?

I immediately looked for a distraction and boy did I find one. I thought Icicle was cute at first, even if he didn't seem to like me very much (maybe he has super sensitive ears, even for a cat, because he really does jump at, like, _any noise_). It was so nice, so easy, just being there with Elsa and Icicle and joking around and I leaned against her like it was no big deal – and it _wasn't_ – until I felt how damn warm she is. My sister is the Snow Queen for gods' sakes, but other than her hands she's as warm as anybody else. Warmer, even. Like, if I'm ever cold she could just hug me and it feels like summer. And, okay, maybe that's _partly_ because I'm attracted to her, but she's really warm. It's weird but it's true.

I didn't think Icicle would become such a part of our lives, but he's always around now and I hate him. I mean, I don't, obviously, not _really_, but you know what I mean. At first I tried to like him, and suggested names for him and then in a spectacular display of stupidity I suggested Elsa make him a collar and I even called him _important_ so I guess _that much_ is my own fault, but whatever. He's still cute, and we've settled into this tolerable dislike of each other, like we put up with each other because of Elsa, but _he_ gets to be around her all day if he wants to, and _he_ gets to stay in Elsa's room, and _he _probably gets to see if she's undressing because he's just a stupid cat, and _he_ gets to curl up with her when she sleeps every night. Every. Night. _Can you believe that Journal?_ I wish I was a cat so I could be Elsa's pet and be around her all the time. Well, what I really wish is that I could be Elsa's consort and everything that goes along with _that_.

I mean, obviously what I really, _really_ wish it that I didn't feel this way about her. Elsa's my big sister and I do love her like that, but I also find her really attractive and I dream about being _with_ her (maybe I'll write one of my dreams down another time, but I might blush myself to death if I try) and I wake myself up with those dreams and I'm always really, you know, aware of my body when I wake up and then I can't get back to sleep and that's why I still think that sleep deprivation is the root cause of my feelings and –

Sorry Journal, I was doing it again. Rambling, I mean, except you knew that because you're my Journal. Okay. Moving on. The dreams wake me up and I can't get back to sleep. You get the point. Elsa _is_ beautiful, but I'm way past objective appreciation or familial fondness or anything resembling propriety where my thoughts of Elsa are concerned. The dreams didn't start right away, and when they did it wasn't full blown incestuous fantasies from the get go. Oh no, they started out innocent enough – I'd dream of Elsa surprising me with a hug or a kiss on the cheek when a smile probably would have been enough, or of us just spending time together, like reading together or ice skating or something. Regular stuff.

Then there was a week where the nobles' court was giving Elsa a lot of grief and she'd been really super busy and she came looking for me one night and she just looked so worn out and she came to my room – and this was right after Elsa finished the magically constructed tag for Icicle's collar – and we just talked for a while and Elsa started yawning and she fell asleep in my room, in my bed, with me, without meaning to and we cuddled all night and I kind of slept for a while, and _that night_, obviously, with Elsa _right there _I had my first, um, sex dream. About Elsa. While she was asleep next to me – with her arms around me and everything! I'm sure you can imagine, Journal, _just_ how awkward I felt when I woke up in the middle of the night from _that_ dream.

And you're going to have to imagine for now, because Kristoff is here to pick me up. We're going to go talk (_way_ overdue, I know). I still haven't decided if I'm going to tell him _why_ specifically, but I definitely need to make it clear that I can't be more than a friend to him, at least right now. Maybe once I get over my infatuation with Elsa and figure out a way to be normal we can date again. I hope so, because he's really great, but I'm not so sure I deserve a second chance. Time will tell, I guess.

Got to run, Journal – wish me luck!


	3. Entry 3

_This fic is going to get progressively darker. Probably darker than Cat & Queen ever will. And yet, the same events. It's an adventure._

_Elsanna/Icest/Arencest WARNING: This __**will **deal head-on with issues of incest. If that is not your reading pleasure, please hit the back button and have a nice day._

_**Entry 3**_

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Well, Journal, it's been an… interesting day. I said I'd write about Kristoff, so I'll do that first, but then I really need to write about Elsa some more. Like, a lot more maybe, because she's confusing the hell out of me. Kristoff first! I haven't really had much chance to write lately because we've been preparing for the Solstice Ball. It took me a whole _week_ to convince Elsa that it was a good idea and I'm in charge of practically everything. Before I get too distracted, here's the deal about Kristoff and me.

We broke up, but I didn't actually _tell_ him anything. What ended up happening, the day I went out with him so we could talk, is that he did all the talking. Most of it, anyway, which is weird because I never shut up, but apparently he needed to get some things off his chest, too. He told me that he wanted to just be friends before I could even begin to say anything about my feelings for Elsa (I decided last minute that I _would_ tell him, and then I didn't).

He said that even though he liked kissing me (_that_ was awkward), he couldn't see himself living in the castle and he hated being down in the town so much and really wanted to go back and live on his own up in the mountains. Closer to the Trolls, to his family, and that Sven was always getting into trouble in town, and it made a lot of sense, but it also gave me an excuse not to tell him anything important about how I've been feeling lately.

And I'm a coward, because all I did was nod and agree and tell him how fine it was that he was breaking up with _me_, when it should have been the other way around, or he at least should have been angry or disgusted or something, because I should have told him. About Elsa. About how I've been feeling. I should have, but I'm a damned coward, and I didn't tell him.

He felt really bad (he kept saying so) because "who wouldn't want to be with a beautiful princess?" Yes, Journal, Kristoff called me beautiful_ while he was breaking up with me_. I totally don't deserve him. There was this awkward moment, because when he said that I muttered something about being able to think of a few people, and I _meant_ Hans and Elsa, _not_ Kristoff, but he took it the wrong way and thought I was way more upset than I really was, and it took me like a half hour to calm him down. He was afraid I'd have Elsa exile him or something, for hurting me. Except that he wasn't, really, I mean I guess it kind of stung that he didn't want to be with me like that anymore, but I was going to break things off anyhow, so it's not a big deal.

Kristoff got so caught up in everything he needed to say that he never asked me what I wanted to talk to him about, which is for the best, for now. I'll tell him eventually. He's still my best friend. My _only_ friend, other than Olaf and Sven and Elsa, and I guess Marshmallow, and maybe even Icicle, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I can't talk to any of _them_, not about Elsa. I just have you, Journal. I'm even afraid to talk to Joan. I never used to care if one of the castle staff overheard me, because I would just talk about how lonely I was, or wonder what Elsa was doing, or tell Joan something silly I'd done like trying to climb the palace walls to reach Elsa's window. This is different.

…So that's Kristoff. He's off in the mountains right now. He said he would try to be back for the Solstice Ball, but he wasn't sure he'd make it in time. He _does_ actually have things to do now, since Elsa made him the Official Royal Ice Master & Deliverer. He has a staff and a crew and everything now, but he still has to supervise them and besides he really likes being up there doing the job himself.

I hope he does make it back for the ball, because I'd really like to have him there, but I know he'll be super uncomfortable in the formal clothes and with so many nobles around. He gets really self-conscious about being a commoner, even though technically he isn't now. The title Elsa gave him makes him kind of a noble himself, but he hates thinking of it that way.

Anyway, the point is that I'm off the hook where he's concerned, at least for now. He's my friend and he cares about me and I care about him and that's good. That's all good. Now, Elsa and Icicle are another story.

We went up to the North Mountain today, to visit Marshmallow and introduce him and Icicle to each other, because according to Olaf they're all brothers and hadn't met yet and that just wouldn't do, because we're a family. The five of us: Elsa, me, Olaf, Marshmallow, and Icicle. And not just any family, no. We're the royal family of Arendelle; the queen, princess, and princes. Elsa is their mother, or "Momma," as Olaf and Marshmallow call her. I think it's adorable, and honestly it makes sense (in a weird way) because Elsa _did_ make them, and Icicle is her cat. Her baby. Except…. Except that I was the one to convince her to keep him. I think otherwise she really would have brought him back to the stables. And she created Marshmallow to get me out of her ice palace. And Olaf is _our_ snowman.

I made the mistake of asking Olaf about it before we left. He just nodded his silly head (his nose almost fell off) when I asked him about Elsa being their mother. And _then_ I asked him who their father was, and he said they didn't have one. They didn't _need_ one, actually, because they had _me_. _Me_, Journal. As far as Olaf and Marshmallow are concerned _I am their parent, too_. Olaf told me they just call me Anna, because it might get confusing otherwise, but said he'd talk to Marshmallow about it, that maybe they'd call me "Mommy."

And then Elsa brought our horse around and we set out for the ice palace and I could barely breathe for the whole ride. Elsa wore breeches and a riding shirt because it's way easier to ride that way (I normally do, too, but I had a stupid bulky dress on because it was really cold out), and while I prefer her in dresses, _especially_ the ice dresses she makes, my sister certainly cuts a dashing figure in men's clothing.

…I cannot believe I just wrote that sentence. Gods help me if Elsa ever reads this, Journal. Oh, I feel so strange about all of this, but I need to get it down on paper before my heart explodes from keeping quiet about it all. I am _not_ made to keep secrets.

Elsa sat behind me and I spent the whole ride leaning back against her, which was _torture_ because she's _so warm_, but it was also amazing and oh, Journal, I was so aroused and so freaked out and Elsa noticed that something was wrong and there was this moment when we got there – I almost fell off the horse! – Elsa caught me and we were _so close_ and, here's the thing, Journal, _I think she might like me back_. You know, _like that!_

I know you think I'm absolutely _insane_, and maybe I am, but we both froze up (not literally, like, not _magically_, just normally) for a few seconds, and Elsa didn't move away. And when we first went inside the ice palace, Elsa introduced Marshmallow to his "fuzzy brother," and Icicle let Marshmallow hold him, and the boys went off to show Icicle around and Elsa gave me my Solstice present. I wish you had eyes, Journal, because it's the most gorgeous thing in the world (except Elsa herself). It's a necklace, a snowflake pendant, and Elsa made it for me and it's _so perfect_. She, well, she put it on me and reminded me that I'm her "favorite snowflake" (that's a _direct quote!_) and her hand was on the back of my neck and she kissed my nose, and then the boys broke part of Elsa's balcony and we had to go take care of it, but I have no idea what would have happened if we'd stayed there a few minutes more. It was so intense. I even kissed her, sort of. I kissed her neck a little bit, like I wanted to that first night back, after Elsa's coronation and everything.

I feel so confused and so conflicted and _so tired_ of feeling this way. I want to tell Elsa. I want her to help me. I know I shouldn't be thinking of her this way. I know it's wrong, but after today, I almost feel hopeful, which is totally the exhaustion talking. I think. I hope so. Maybe. I don't know _anything _anymore, but I think Elsa's feelings for me might be all mucked up, too. The way she was looking at me today was so tender, so loving, and I'm not sure it was _normal_. The way her hand ran up my neck, the soft and gentle way she held me, like I was precious and, not breakable exactly, but like I deserved the utmost care… it felt like _love_. Not like sisterly love, but like _lovers_ love. In that moment, it felt like my lover, my _partner_, was giving me a beautiful Solstice gift, not like my sister was.

I have no idea what's going on anymore. I'm not going to say anything to Elsa just yet, or to Kristoff if he makes it back to town for the ball. I think I'm just going to let things play out. See what happens. Gods help me, I hope that's the right thing.

My hand is cramping, Journal. I'm going to stop for tonight (I'm really tired – maybe I'll actually _sleep_), but next time I need to tell you more about Icicle. I'm pretty sure he does know about my feelings for Elsa and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. More soon, I promise!


End file.
